Wish I had written this…

30 06 2012

There are times when I have to pay homage to the great writers, journalists, bloggers and content creators in history.

Hunter sits comfortably at the top of my list, Matt Taibi, Rob Sheffield, Neil Gaiman and Matthew Norman aren’t far behind while Bill Bryson will always be someone who I would be happy to go walking with.

And then there is John Cleese. He is easily one of the funniest people in the world and the gems he can create just make aware of my own shortcomings.

What follows is a Cleese original. It was forwarded to me by a work colleague and when I read it….I had to steal it and post it. I could have hyperlinked it and done all that internet gubbins but I wanted it on my blog as opposed to somewhere in the cloud.

It’s brilliant and I wish I had written it!

And he is the only man alive who looks good with a lemur…

ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE (British writer, actor and tall person)

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought – ” Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”

Genius. Nuff said.

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