Groundhog Day; Phil Predicts Six More Weeks of Mitt vs Newt

2 02 2012

Button your coats, we are set for six more weeks of winter.

The world’s foremost (and possibly only) weather forecasting rodent, Punxsutawney Phil, emerged this morning from his burrow in Gobblers Knob – located near Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania – saw his shadow and retreated back into his hole, signifying that there are still a few more days to shiver through before we can start digging out our t-shirts and board shorts. Which is a shame, because I was looking forward to hitting the beach this weekend.

At least when Phil comes out into the public eye, he doesn’t feel the need to explain why the sight of his own shadow will signify six more weeks of misery. If only he could tell us how much longer we are going to have to put up with the unedifying spectacle of a wealthy man pretending that he cares about the common people while an elderly man who finds it difficult to keep in touch with reality continues to believe that he is the one to lead America out of the years of misery (less than four) that President Obama is responsible for.

Another week, another primary, another chance for Mitt Romney to show that he has any clue about what really matters.

Spoiler Alert; he doesn’t.

Interviewed after spanking Newt Gingrich quite comprehensively in the Florida Primary, the Vulture Crap-Artist came out with this nugget of genius;

I’m in this race because I care about Americans. I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair, I’ll fix it. I’m not concerned about the very rich, they’re doing just fine. I’m concerned about the very heart of the America, the 90 percent, 95 percent of Americans who right now are struggling.

As the news anchor struggled to understand exactly what the former governor of Massachusetts was saying, he tried hard to explain that not being concerned about two sections of society meant that he could concentrate all his attention on the people that matter.

The ones that aren’t very poor or very rich.

There is just one problem with this. Mitt happens to be very rich. Rich enough to be able to be “unemployed” and still have the time to run for the GOP Presidential Nomination.

Willard Mitt Romney wouldn’t know what it is like to be very poor, even if he got one of his servants to explain it in words of one syllable.

Backtracking furiously (and making sure that there were no poor people behind him), he continued to dig a hole big enough for a groundhog to live in.

We have a very ample safety net. And we can talk about whether it needs to be strengthened or whether there are holes in it. But we have food stamps, we have Medicaid, we have housing vouchers, we have programs to help the poor.

Food Stamps, Medicaid, Housing Vouchers, Programs. The American Dream.

Because that’s what we strive for. If we can’t be sitting in an ivory tower, sipping Champagne out of the shell of an endangered turtle, then what we all would really like is to be queuing outside a food bank for groceries or making sure that the cardboard box that we are living in is big enough to hold all of the cans that we collected in order to get some extra cash.

An ample safety net. The only net that Mitt knows anything about is the one that he keeps his peacocks behind. Before he eats them.

OK, Romney might not really eat peacocks but he certainly has no f**king clue about what it means to have to rely on this “ample safety net” that might (or might not) have holes in it.

It’s a net, Mitt. Nets have holes. Do you know what doesn’t have a hole? A wall.

And that is what you cower behind to make sure that you can’t see the people who need more than empty promises from a man who made millions of dollars without suffering anything more than a paper cut on his beautifully manicured hands.

Put it this way, I believe that Punxsutawney Phil knows more about what average Americans are going through than Willard Mitt Romney.

And one of them is a rodent.

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