Thank You For Calling God…Please Hold

14 01 2012

It would be reasonable to assume that at around 8 P.M on the East Coast of America, numerous pairs of eyes will look to the sky and ask for some help.

Others will just be looking at one person.

Tim Tebow, the Quarterback for the Denver Broncos whose team play the New England Patriots in a game of throwball that some people consider to be vaguely important and which could ruin the first holiday weekend of the year for most New Englanders.

And the reason for this scrutiny? Why do we care what Tim does?

Because young Tebow is a very high-profile Christian. Not in a head-of-the-church sort of way or even the possibility that he may be using his faith as some sort of branding exercise but because Tim has made damn sure that we all know it is an all-seeing being that is to take the credit for his “success”.

For anyone who doesn’t know (or care) who this bloke is, he is an American Footballer who was very good at college, got selected in the first round of the NFL draft in 2010 and now plays for the Denver Broncos.

When he does anything good – scores a touchdown, completes a pass (which apparently doesn’t happen that often) or opens a can of soda successfully – he drops to his knees and “tebows”; basically a public display of praying.

And there is nothing inherently wrong with that.

Religion is very popular in the USA, allegiance is pledged to “one nation under God.” Just look at the current bunch of nominees vying to be the next Republican presidential nominee – all religious, all convinced that God is sitting in their campaign office and producing their bumper stickers.

Tebow’s religious beliefs shouldn’t really be a cause for concern but it is very fashionable to thank the Lord for everything and to claim that it is all part of the Almighty’s plan. That every little thing that happens is down to the personal intervention of a merciful being who is following your progress like a kindly uncle (or aunt).

Michelle Bachmann believed that her entire life had been mapped out by God, numerous entertainment figures have included him/her in their acknowledgements of success and sports figures are always claiming that their talent is a “gift from God”. The latest series of Sweet Home Alabama – a TV show that attempts to match eligible Southern bachelors with an attractive Southern belle – started with the young lady concerned stating that “God has a plan for me to find love and this is the way that he wants me to do it.”

Which is obviously on a reality TV show with cameras following every move.

My problem is that with all this praying and thanking, God might get a bit overwhelmed. There are only so many hours in the day, even for an omnipotent being.

I have started to think that perhaps “God” is just some sort of religious call center. A collection of ethereal beings that deal with all the messages that come from this mortal coil, all sitting in white cubicles and dealing with requests as quickly as they can. A huge office that is split into various religions (based on popularity and community membership) and that is available 24/7 for all your divine needs. Based in Asgard.

“Thank you for calling the 24 Hour Theological Hotline – How May I Direct Your Call?”

But I could be wrong.

All I know for certain is that if Tim does well against the Patriots, his first action will be to Tebow. And everyone else will wonder why God didn’t return their calls.

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