Afghanistan, US Elections, Farmville and Charlie Sheen – it never stops!

28 10 2010


Paul the Octopus has died? But I was going to vote for him..

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia” – Charles M. Schulz.

We live in a world of mass media, 24/7 access to issues of importance with equal opportunity to bury ourselves into the pits of inconsequential trivia.

And we don’t have enough time to devote to everything we think we should be aware of, without sometimes getting lost in the stuff that is of little or no use to us (much like the entire cast of Jersey Shore).

I could spend entire days just catching up on the news that I believe is important, and hours being distracted by events that have no bearing on my life. As with most things, I guess I am not alone but the easiest way to demonstrate this is in a list.

Spoiler Alert : the news about Paul the Octopus was the one that I was most sad about.

This is from 5 days of The Daily Beast’s cheat-sheet (not even reading most of these, just glancing through the headlines, some were just too bizarre to ignore);

  • New season of programs on NBC – mainly rubbish, apparently
  • Build-up to the 2012 US Elections has begun – we haven’t even got past the mid-terms yet!
  • Conan O’Brien has dared NBC to sue him – something to do with intellectual property
  • Mom shook her baby to death because the crying was interfering with what she was doing on Farmville
  • 46 Anti-Obama books have been published since he took office in 2009 – George W only had 5 in his first 2 years in charge
  • Pundits are predicting a Republican/GOP comeback in November mid-terms – deep joy
  • New stimulus measures are being planned to kick-start the US economy – because the last one worked so well
  • a supporter of Rand Paul (Republican running for Senate, backed by Tea Party) stomped on the head of an activist
  • The Taliban are being more resilient than was expected – this is a real shock!
  • Arizona has executed an inmate using “sketchy, foreign drugs” – probably bought over the border in Mexico
  • Lebron James’ much anticipated debut for Miami results in defeat against the Celtics – who celebrate by then losing to the Cavaliers
  • Charlie Sheen is found drunk and naked in a trashed hotel room after an evening out with a porn star – hold the front page!
  • Carly Fiorina (Republican running for Senate) hospitalized in California
  • Indonesia hit by a tsunami – death count unknown, early warning system failed due to lack of maintenance
  • Paul, the psychic World Cup Octopus,  has died – this is very sad news but at least he got his 15 minutes of fame

    RIP my psychic friend

  • Married Gay man is to be deported from Connecticut – papers were not in order, has to be made an example of
  • Katie Couric may stay with CBS when her contract expires – because the programs at NBC are rubbish, apparently
  • GOP may not take the Senate in November – which at least would give them an excuse for not passing any legislation
  • Iran has begun loading fuel rods into its unsanctioned, gently worrying nuclear reactor which will only be used “for energy purposes”
  • Mother charged with killing 5 infants – Farmville status unknown
  • Michael Jackson is the richest dead celebrity – which is good considering how bankrupt he was when he was alive
  • Wikileaks exposes the lies told by American leaders about what was really happening in Iraq on a daily basis – 400,000 documents detail carnage committed in the name of democracy
  • CEO of BP (not Tony Hayward who is being lined up for a job in Singapore) blames the media for hyping up the oil spill “before the full facts were known” – now that we know the facts, BP are smelling of roses…not
  • the Tea Party are doing surprisingly little in the run-up to the November mid-terms – apart from stamping on people’s heads
  • Jennifer Mee of Florida who achieved world-wide fame as the ‘hiccup girl’ has been charged with murder
  • President Karzai admits that some payments to Afghanistan may have come from Iran – again, not a major surprise
  • Officials at the White House may be powerless to stop the GOP achieving success in November – they have adopted a bunker mentality, secure in the knowledge that their boss is going to be there for another 2 years at least
  • the war in Afghanistan is expected to last until 2014 – when everyone just says ‘Sod this for a lark’ and thinks about what to do next, this will be marked by Osama Bin Laden emerging from his cave and all the American soldiers cursing themselves for not looking behind all the rocks
  • Firms that received bailouts under the much-maligned TARP (Troubled Asset Relief Program) system are thanking the government by making large donations to…the Republicans (most of whom voted against it!)
  • Bank of America admits that some of their foreclosure documents might not be entirely accurate – which should make householders sleep better at night
  • Brett Favre, the octogenarian QB for the Vikings denies texting pictures of his “ding-dong” to uninterested women – still doesn’t stop him selfishly refusing to retire from professional sport
  • Church abuse in San Diego – religious leaders maintain their usual, dignified silence
  • Cholera outbreak in Haiti – earthquake in January, Wyclef Jean wanting to be President and this makes three bits of bad luck
  • Talks between Israel and Palestine are at an impasse – one day there will be news that says the opposite
  • Shark kills surfer in California
  • World Series of baseball will not feature the Yankees – San Francisco Giants vs Texas Rangers will battle it out to be the best in the World (of countries that play baseball that have the word States in their title).
  • Russell Brand buys Katy Perry a tiger, she buys him a baby elephant – this is the contender for most pointless piece of news this week
  • in the last 6 years of fighting in Iraq there were 15,000 deaths unaccounted for – although Wikileaks might be able to point someone in the right direction. Since March 2003 150,000 deaths in Iraq, 80% civilian
  • Suicide bombers attack the UN Compound in West Afghanistan – don’t worry, in 2014 you can leave!
  • France raises retirement pension age to 62, cue civil unrest and strikes by the working population who realise that they will have to wait 2 extra years before they can sit down with a nice glass of wine and do nothing in the afternoon.
  • Sean Parker (Napster/Facebook co-founder) launches a new product called Spotify which has “got you by the balls” – Justin Timberlake was unavailable to comment
  • Fox News sued for “racist, sexist and offensive comments” by a disgruntled worker
  • NPR fire Juan Williams for inappropriate comments…and he is then hired by Fox
  • Sharon Angle (Republican, running for Senate, possible Tea Party affiliation) is revealed to have been a bible-thumping Sunday School teacher before she decided that her real talents lay in politics
  • Project for an invisible, virtual fence along the Mexican border is abandoned due to the problems with running an electric current through a virtual fence – far easier to just round-up any illegal immigrants, deny them any rights and ship ’em back to where they came from.

So there we have just 5 days of news, from one website that isn’t even the BBC or part of Murdoch’s increasingly right-wing corporation.

Is it any wonder that we don’t have enough hours in the day?




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